And for some odd reason, I feel this is too much. I told my therapist that I felt like I was on Hoarders, and she said it was interesting because the people on Hoarders collect things that become replacements for the thing that's missing. #socialcontact
I've been trying to think of how to eliminate at least one of these, even if it's just to make me feel less frantic, scattered and piecemeal.
I started this blog in the first place so I could put all of me in one place. The name was supposed to do its job of containment: eatlovehome. That's what I do, all in one breathe, as one action. So how did everything get so fragmented and spread out? Why do I have two blogs? Why isn't everything in one place?
A few months back, I got run over by a car. It was hilarious. And it set into action a chain of events that has been anything but hilarious. I got laid off from a job that I loved and was awesome at, I had surgery through my belly button, and I found out the only way I can have a baby is through IVF. And no matter how much I've tried to articulate myself, my talent and my worth, I still don't have a job.
This has left me somewhat in ruins.
And frantic, scattered, piecemeal. Fragmented.
So I started to write this other blog, my first one, where I drew these ridiculous pictures of what was happening. Now, I can't draw really, not like other people can. But when you get run over by a car, I'm telling you, there are some really strong images that come into your head. And then they just come out through the pencil you're holding, and then they end up on tumblr with a storyline.
I wrote about the drunk guy who ran over me, I wrote about how my sweetums was being a smartass over me losing my job, and I wrote about my really fun surgery. I wrote about how my road to being a Mommy was going to be harder than just being on the gay Mommy road. This was all me.
But then I started thinking about all the other things that are All Me, too. Like cooking and eating. And sewing, styling, making and building. And designing and traveling and daring and doing. I wanted to be in the community of the cool kids who were out making money on their blogs by posting fancy pictures of design-y stuff and being experts at things like button-holing and aperture. I wanted one hundred million followers!! I needed a hootsuite account ASAP!! What's my Klout SCORE NOW!?!?!
It got out of control.
I didn't see how those two different Me's went together in one place. It's like one is the personal and one is the professional, and they just don't belong in the same place. I mean, I wouldn't put pictures of my sutured belly button in my portfolio or curse like a sailor in my cover letter, right? I tried to picture my drawing stories on the same page as my DIY sewing projects and my Strawberry Coconut Cake pictures, and I just didn't see it.
I also got a major case of the blocks. I started stopping myself from drawing anything on this blog because the drawings go on my other blog, of course, not this one. This one is only for pictures of tacos and interesting angles of my sewing machine. Oh, the logic of a hoarder. #magicalthinking
But now that they're separate, I feel like one of the Me's is missing the other Me. All the time.
And that sentence makes me feel really self-involved.
Anyhoo. I need to put everything in one place, and I'm stuck. I tried a little experiment this morning where I changed the heading picture of this blog, up at the top there. See where I stuck my head in there? That's from when I got run over by a car. I kinda like it. It feels like it fits.
I'm going to try another experiment tomorrow where I start posting my smitche blogs here. Maybe if they're all in one place, I'll feel more whole.
What thinks you?